A New Perspective on Calli and Bogie

Thank you so much for your thoughtful email. I am processing much and already beginning to understand the “new paradigm,” as you say.  But I also feel overwhelmed and worried, which is probably how we always feel when we're starting in a new direction. I am very grateful to be able to ask you questions, which I've never been able to do before! (I usually avoid talking about dog problems as I get tired of people telling me about The Dog Whisperer on TV.) ….

There have been times I've just wished that I could know that I've never once scolded my animals; but as it is, I am very grateful that dogs are so incredibly forgiving and ready at any time to alter their behavior. One of my mentors, Brenda Ueland (1891-1985), said, "I have always thought that there is nothing in the world as bad as scolding....Scolding means there is a temporary spiritual state of dislike, of hateful repudiation." Having both scolded and been scolded myself, I wholeheartedly agree with her. Perhaps one day I will be able to have a relationship with a dog that I've never scolded. What a wonderful knowledge that would be!…Already I am trying to soften my approach toward both dogs and am trying to encourage them and smile at them more. (I know I need to thoroughly understand Dialogue, but I can't help trying to change how I work with them right away). I can see Bogie especially responding right away, relaxing and looking up to me and wanting to be at my side. He is already better about the noises the bunnies make. This morning I groomed and bathed both the dogs, which gave me a chance to put some of these new thoughts into action. Calli relaxed more quickly about having her nails clipped, and Bogie seemed to do better about the neighbor's terrier running loose. I just praised them and reassured them that they were doing fine. Something clicked when I looked into Calli's eyes as I was bathing her and realized that she was just standing there in submission, suffering, waiting for it to be over (she is always very patient about baths). I realized she had no idea how well she was doing about the process, and how much better I have felt on those rare occasions when someone has told me that I am loved and doing well….So I told her, and I watched her gaze shift from a frozen stare into middle distance to a more relaxed interest in me and her surroundings, and she seemed much more at her ease as the bath came to an end.

We are still on our first read of the book--just finished the training section yesterday. When we finish reading, we'll start back at the beginning and start watching the video. Then we practice together (David, my husband, will be my "dog"), and then finally I will get to begin with the dogs. I want to feel sure of everything, so I can be confident and consistent and know what to do in a given situation. Your ideas have been illuminating, feel sound and resonate as true. It is definitely on a deeper level than other training methods, surpassing instincts and dog pack dynamics, etc. I feel I have a window into dog psychology now, both with our dogs and others I observe. I can understand their behavior….As far as Calli and Bogie go, … I have ceased negative reinforcement for the most part, I think, and am practicing using the correcting tone when it seems appropriate, and more praise and reassurance than has been usual. Bogie seems very responsive to the correcting tone and to everything that has already changed in my behavior. He wants to be near me, watches me often, and seems all but telling me that he wants to be in Dialogue!

I need to remind myself always: to love my dogs…on the basis of the perfection I know to exist, not on the evidence of personality. You and I both know that it is love that creates an environment in which any creature can be transformed….What I think I love most about Dialogue, is that it will allow me to develop and express that love toward my dogs that I know I possess. Perhaps the most powerful thing to me about Dialogue is that it gives dog-owners a chance at redemption, not just their dogs…thank goodness that the lessons we are teaching our dogs, about their worthiness for unconditional love, also apply to ourselves. Thank you for bringing this to the dog-human community!!! You are very special! If Dialogue works with Calli and Bogie, my own confidence will be restored. I love to think about the power over any dog-situation that this will give me. I love to think that any future dog could be a pleasant companion, thanks to your method…I would love to use Dialogue to develop a relationship with one, properly, from the very first day…David and I have scoured dog breed books…trying to find the "perfect" dog for us--e.g., one with no behavior problems attached to it. Now we know that that doesn't really matter.

I think I really am beginning to see the world in a more expansive way, thanks to your philosophy. I am embarrassed by how human-centric my perception has been, despite my life-long passion for animals! I am understanding now how animal behavior is not "bad" from their point of view, and this really does help alleviate the annoyance and even anger the bad behavior causes. I am suddenly extending this understanding to our cats-- realizing that clawing the couch or jumping on the table makes perfect sense to a cat, and our exasperation must just be confusing them!...I think my vision of being a non-scolding, ever-patient animal owner is increasingly more within reach.

I am more convinced than ever that you and your work are a treasure. I find myself longing to share this information with all dog/animal people….I am convinced that we have found the one true method for harmonious dog-human relationships.

AliCarmen, CA